It’s not over until…well, probably never, actually

Work is never really over…when you’re self employed

When you are self employed, taking time to do anything that is not relevant to your work, your life’s ambition, etc, is, quite frankly, a giant guilt trip. Especially if you are in financially challenged business, like the arts, for example (ahem).

I don’t know about you, you other self employed people, but, I get up and get to work at the crack of dawn every single day and throughout the day, and, even on what would seemingly be a “day off”…

I:

-Think of work

-Do work

-Prepare for work

-Decide when and what I am going to do for work when I am supposed to actually be working

-Actually work (don’t know how that is different than any of the above, but whatever)

-Then do that supposedly “actual” work

I am exhausted thinking about it. But, I do it.

I do it because I can’t NOT do it.

The entrepeneur’s theme song.

Does it need explaining?

In my mother’s day, you didn’t wear your “@%&” on your sleeves.

You just kept a stiff upper lip. I really believe there’s something to that.

It kind of goes hand in hand with our more recent explorations of “creating our own reality”.  If you live in your own misery, it soon becomes your existence.

that’s all…

Bye, bitch

It’s the first thing to come to mind. It is the theme of the day.

The expression represents so many things: people, places, things, situations, actions, all of it.

Bye, bitch.

Bourbon blog…yup!

myblogisbitchin

You know, one day you realize that some things are just irrelevant. Like, whether it matters if someone actually gives a damn about what you choose to do. Most don’t. Some do. And, the “some” are either people who actually care, or the people who care because it’s something to “share” information about. Yea, I know you.

Well, let me tell you, tonight is bourbon night. Yep. And, it is good. It is such a glorious moment to be true to yourself. It is amazing to just be you. Like, it is the RIGHT thing to say NO, or make a decision, that at the time, seems selfish, but it is absolutely THE RIGHT CHOICE. Yes. and yet saying NO, because you get to. Because it is right. Because, oh, what the f’ing hell. Who cares?!!! We, as women, are often constipated in our ability to make bold choices for…

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Bourbon blog…yup!

You know, one day you realize that some things are just irrelevant. Like, whether it matters if someone actually gives a damn about what you choose to do. Most don’t. Some do. And, the “some” are either people who actually care, or the people who care because it’s something to “share” information about. Yea, I know you.

Well, let me tell you, tonight is bourbon night. Yep. And, it is good. It is such a glorious moment to be true to yourself. It is amazing to just be you. Like, it is the RIGHT thing to say NO, or make a decision, that at the time, seems selfish, but it is absolutely THE RIGHT CHOICE. Yes. and yet saying NO, because you get to. Because it is right. Because, oh, what the f’ing hell. Who cares?!!! We, as women, are often constipated in our ability to make bold choices for ourselves, and to make a stand. Do. It. Now.

I applaud you who are the heros of “the bourbon”, per se. The courage to upright yourself and stand firm, and strong. Do. It. Now.

absence

I’ve been absent recently. Haven’t we all? Absence is requisite these days. It’s essential to life.

But, absence of self is not the intention. The purposeful and social absence we are experiencing has shown us the importance of distancing from the pressures we have created for ourselves. For the first time since my mother inhabited this neighborhood where I now live, have I known that my neighbors have children, cars, animals…it’s eerily reminiscent of decades prior. Times when we played outside until the sun went down, and hung out in the driveway with family.

This is clearly a self intentioned moment in time. A time to reflect and be peaceful and to relinquish the “must dos” and the “I really shoulds”, and instead to allow oneself permission to simply be.

Absence. Yes, I am absent today. I am not ill. I am not skipping out. I am just absent.

And, it is really, really, really, ok…

don’t forget to remember…

I don’t think I will ever forget…so many, many things. Such every day things that express the most significant moments for me.  Cake. Cake makes me cry. She loved cake. And she loved cake every day. Grocery shopping is a very emotional experience these days.    There is so much cake in the store.  Sandwiches. Sandwiches too. I long to make sandwiches. No crusts of course, and never with mustard, and always with tomatoes, but sandwiches every day.  There is no more cake and no more sandwiches every day, and that leaves me with a great sense of emptiness.

I don’t ever want to forget all the little things. The unique expressions she had to describe things, hearing the same story time and again, and learning to appreciate it as if it was the first time that I heard it. If it wasn’t important to her then it probably wouldn’t have come up as often as it did…whatever it was that was worth repeating needed to be repeated.  again… and again…probably so that I would always remember. I know that now.

It is hard being left behind when I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, and even in the knowledge that it was near…I am not sure that I would ever be ready even if given the choice of when that was…I don’t want to forget to remember all the things about her. I also hope that someday I won’t cry as often, but that I will begin to feel more joy in the remembrances rather than sadness in the fresh and tender loss. I do understand that we all have a journey of our own and that when that journey is complete, it just is.

It just is…

 

 

 

In pieces…

It’s unfathomable for some to know, to relate, to discern the pain of others.

Pain is manifested in many different ways for each individual, and, the breaking point is not always evident until it is.  Those of us who appear to be the most confident, the strongest, the most together, if you will, are most often the first to be called out, and ostracized when that break happens.

Our fragility is hidden.  Our weaknesses carefully guarded and hiding down deep in our painful refuge of sadness.  Guilty for feeling helpless, and fearing that revelation of these darknesses will result in an avalanche of desertion by everyone around us.  It’s as if our imperfect actions, and behaviors are open to severe criticism as if somehow we capably strong people can take it. Because we are grossly aware of our flaws and self magnify those imperfections, to have them put on stage is like death. So,

You don’t know where that tipping point begins and where it ends…you don’t know.