I’ve been absent recently. Haven’t we all? Absence is requisite these days. It’s essential to life.
But, absence of self is not the intention. The purposeful and social absence we are experiencing has shown us the importance of distancing from the pressures we have created for ourselves. For the first time since my mother inhabited this neighborhood where I now live, have I known that my neighbors have children, cars, animals…it’s eerily reminiscent of decades prior. Times when we played outside until the sun went down, and hung out in the driveway with family.
This is clearly a self intentioned moment in time. A time to reflect and be peaceful and to relinquish the “must dos” and the “I really shoulds”, and instead to allow oneself permission to simply be.
Absence. Yes, I am absent today. I am not ill. I am not skipping out. I am just absent.
I don’t think I will ever forget…so many, many things. Such every day things that express the most significant moments for me. Cake. Cake makes me cry. She loved cake. And she loved cake every day. Grocery shopping is a very emotional experience these days. There is so much cake in the store. Sandwiches. Sandwiches too. I long to make sandwiches. No crusts of course, and never with mustard, and always with tomatoes, but sandwiches every day. There is no more cake and no more sandwiches every day, and that leaves me with a great sense of emptiness.
I don’t ever want to forget all the little things. The unique expressions she had to describe things, hearing the same story time and again, and learning to appreciate it as if it was the first time that I heard it. If it wasn’t important to her then it probably wouldn’t have come up as often as it did…whatever it was that was worth repeating needed to be repeated. again… and again…probably so that I would always remember. I know that now.
It is hard being left behind when I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, and even in the knowledge that it was near…I am not sure that I would ever be ready even if given the choice of when that was…I don’t want to forget to remember all the things about her. I also hope that someday I won’t cry as often, but that I will begin to feel more joy in the remembrances rather than sadness in the fresh and tender loss. I do understand that we all have a journey of our own and that when that journey is complete, it just is.
What’s best, you ask? How the hell do I know? Does anyone know?
Probably not, but somehow we keep making choices based on “what’s best…” for ourselves, our children, our parents, our friends…everyone.
Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. It REALLY is true. And to be too sensitive to what everyone else thinks that you “should” have done for yourself or them just keeps you in a state of doubt, discomfort, angst, and question interminably.
That is no way to live…and I want to be clear though. Merriam Webster’s no. 2 definition of BEST is this:
: most productive of good : offering or producing the greatest advantage, utility, or satisfaction. What is the best thing to do?
When we give our “best” advice or opinion, especially to and for those we love, it is usually because we love them.
Do you know the old saying
“You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole?”
It has many inferences.
And, it is important to be intuitive enough to know when things are being forced to happen and when you need to follow the lines in the sand and stay on track. The wind will continue to try to blow you backward when you know that you MUST follow the lines and move forward.
Because it the right thing to do.
Sometimes moving forward doesn’t mean something new. It may mean moving forward where you are in that place that is stagnant presently. As oppositional as that sounds, it makes perfect sense. Sometimes the universe sends us signals that we ignore. Why? Well, think of how many times you’ve abandoned a project because: A. you forgot about it. B. You got frustrated with it. C. You got bored of it. D. It was too hard…
Well, as with most things in this life, unresolved projects, situations, relationships, don’t go away.
So, here I am saying, “Okay, universe, help me finish this project. I’ve never given up. Oh, yes, I’ve lost hope/faith, whatever, soooo many times, but I’ve never given up. Now I need your help, your guidance to complete this project and to make it whole. To manifest its intentions to the fullest”
And, with that said. The intention is now in full motion.
Are YOU on board?
seriously, folks. are we so sick of all of this shit? I mean all of this.
parents who overmanage their offspring, bosses who overmanage their employees, friends who overmanage their friends…
I am sincerely and without regret or apology DONE with the overmanagers.
if you want to do my job, well then, voila! it’s yours.
but , just get the &*$# over it AND yourself. whatever it is.
the parents of children past didn’t worry about whether it was relative to their social “health” (ahem status), they just dropped their kids at point A and picked them up there at the designated time. “what do you want for dinner” and “what time do you have to be at school tomorrow” was sufficient.
It’s time. It’s been time for awhile. I started 14 years ago with my book…and it IS TIME
IT IS TIME! But, you know, I have way more material now, and frankly, it is good. I will certainly be exposed. I will probably offend people. I will also engage people. People who have shared my experiences. It will be glorious. But, at last I will be free and true to it all. And, those of you who love it will know exactly what I mean. I am actually excited about something passionately for the first time in over 10 years.
This is excellent.
It has seemed to me that everyone else is allowed to be exactly who they are without criticism, without judgement, without contrition. Perhaps, it’s my own self doubt and judgement that has restricted my ability to be exactly as I am to all people. I am ready. It’s like a baptism, like a communion, like a ceremony, like no other freedom that I have known. EVER. And, I. AM. READY. And as frightening as this seems, it is also exhilarating. I might end up friendless, and I might not. If I am, I will know that all my relationships are conditional, and THAT is a thought I don’t wish to own. Knowing and learning about all kinds of people is what I have done for over 3o years in my professional life. Without acceptance of the various individuals that have crossed my path and that I have shared numerous hours with, I would not have survived. It doesn’t make me exceptional, just accepting. And with the political climate as it is, it has been difficult at best (to say the least).
My only hope is that others can truly accept me exactly as I am, in the way that I am expected to accept them. Hope springs eternal? I hope so….