Bye, bitch
It’s the first thing to come to mind. It is the theme of the day.
The expression represents so many things: people, places, things, situations, actions, all of it.
Bye, bitch.
necessity
absence
I’ve been absent recently. Haven’t we all? Absence is requisite these days. It’s essential to life.
But, absence of self is not the intention. The purposeful and social absence we are experiencing has shown us the importance of distancing from the pressures we have created for ourselves. For the first time since my mother inhabited this neighborhood where I now live, have I known that my neighbors have children, cars, animals…it’s eerily reminiscent of decades prior. Times when we played outside until the sun went down, and hung out in the driveway with family.
This is clearly a self intentioned moment in time. A time to reflect and be peaceful and to relinquish the “must dos” and the “I really shoulds”, and instead to allow oneself permission to simply be.
Absence. Yes, I am absent today. I am not ill. I am not skipping out. I am just absent.
And, it is really, really, really, ok…
don’t forget to remember…
I don’t think I will ever forget…so many, many things. Such every day things that express the most significant moments for me. Cake. Cake makes me cry. She loved cake. And she loved cake every day. Grocery shopping is a very emotional experience these days. There is so much cake in the store. Sandwiches. Sandwiches too. I long to make sandwiches. No crusts of course, and never with mustard, and always with tomatoes, but sandwiches every day. There is no more cake and no more sandwiches every day, and that leaves me with a great sense of emptiness.
I don’t ever want to forget all the little things. The unique expressions she had to describe things, hearing the same story time and again, and learning to appreciate it as if it was the first time that I heard it. If it wasn’t important to her then it probably wouldn’t have come up as often as it did…whatever it was that was worth repeating needed to be repeated. again… and again…probably so that I would always remember. I know that now.
It is hard being left behind when I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, and even in the knowledge that it was near…I am not sure that I would ever be ready even if given the choice of when that was…I don’t want to forget to remember all the things about her. I also hope that someday I won’t cry as often, but that I will begin to feel more joy in the remembrances rather than sadness in the fresh and tender loss. I do understand that we all have a journey of our own and that when that journey is complete, it just is.
It just is…
Best…
What’s best, you ask? How the hell do I know? Does anyone know?
Probably not, but somehow we keep making choices based on “what’s best…” for ourselves, our children, our parents, our friends…everyone.
Damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. It REALLY is true. And to be too sensitive to what everyone else thinks that you “should” have done for yourself or them just keeps you in a state of doubt, discomfort, angst, and question interminably.
That is no way to live…and I want to be clear though. Merriam Webster’s no. 2 definition of BEST is this:
: most productive of good : offering or producing the greatest advantage, utility, or satisfaction. What is the best thing to do?
When we give our “best” advice or opinion, especially to and for those we love, it is usually because we love them.
that’s all…
truth
Artists:
so many mediums, aspects, genres, styles, designs, plots, inspirations, ideas, creations, emotions, scripts, presentations, performances, showings… and on, and on…
like our sexuality, it is not a choice. we are artists. and, no, we do not need your approval to be this, to do this, to live this.
WE. ARE. THIS. unlike so many professions, we ARE our artistry.
it is life, breath, it is existence. period. and, it is, at times, many…many…many…times very painful.
the criticism, skepticism, and, well, disdain for the lack of financial security related to our artistry, by others, for our supposedly ‘chosen’ path, to create the very amazing, mind-stretching and brilliant works that entertain everyone else who can afford to enjoy our art, is sad, insulting, mind-boggling and shameful. even those who love us, like us, tell us we are “talented, wonderful, even geniuses” are not fully “in”. ‘gosh, you are so smart, you would be so good at…(fill in the blank)’.
thank god, we don’t give a shit if ANYONE likes what we create and have the fucking balls to expose to everyone on a regular basis. some see it as bravery, others say crazy.
we have no choice.
creation is innate and raw, and contrived, and self-imposing, and selfish, and lovely, and selfless, and necessary…it is necessary to those who create, and especially for those who are the recipients of the creation. you need us. you do. and, as such, should be compensated fairly for our necessity. but, guess what? when we are not, we keep on. because…we must…and because it is a love so insistent. because.
just because…
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