I don’t think I will ever forget…so many, many things. Such every day things that express the most significant moments for me. Cake. Cake makes me cry. She loved cake. And she loved cake every day. Grocery shopping is a very emotional experience these days. There is so much cake in the store. Sandwiches. Sandwiches too. I long to make sandwiches. No crusts of course, and never with mustard, and always with tomatoes, but sandwiches every day. There is no more cake and no more sandwiches every day, and that leaves me with a great sense of emptiness.
I don’t ever want to forget all the little things. The unique expressions she had to describe things, hearing the same story time and again, and learning to appreciate it as if it was the first time that I heard it. If it wasn’t important to her then it probably wouldn’t have come up as often as it did…whatever it was that was worth repeating needed to be repeated. again… and again…probably so that I would always remember. I know that now.
It is hard being left behind when I wasn’t ready to say goodbye, and even in the knowledge that it was near…I am not sure that I would ever be ready even if given the choice of when that was…I don’t want to forget to remember all the things about her. I also hope that someday I won’t cry as often, but that I will begin to feel more joy in the remembrances rather than sadness in the fresh and tender loss. I do understand that we all have a journey of our own and that when that journey is complete, it just is.
Do you know the old saying
“You can’t fit a square peg into a round hole?”
It has many inferences.
And, it is important to be intuitive enough to know when things are being forced to happen and when you need to follow the lines in the sand and stay on track. The wind will continue to try to blow you backward when you know that you MUST follow the lines and move forward.
Because it the right thing to do.
Sometimes moving forward doesn’t mean something new. It may mean moving forward where you are in that place that is stagnant presently. As oppositional as that sounds, it makes perfect sense. Sometimes the universe sends us signals that we ignore. Why? Well, think of how many times you’ve abandoned a project because: A. you forgot about it. B. You got frustrated with it. C. You got bored of it. D. It was too hard…
Well, as with most things in this life, unresolved projects, situations, relationships, don’t go away.
So, here I am saying, “Okay, universe, help me finish this project. I’ve never given up. Oh, yes, I’ve lost hope/faith, whatever, soooo many times, but I’ve never given up. Now I need your help, your guidance to complete this project and to make it whole. To manifest its intentions to the fullest”
And, with that said. The intention is now in full motion.
Are YOU on board?
’tis true. we can dispute it, I know you do! but especially as women, we ARE our mothers. In ways that are unrecognized by ourselves and yet are prominent in our thoughts, mannerisms and behaviours. (and everyone else sees it!) We fight it. We deny it. We rebel against it. Why? We love our mothers and yet we strive to be the antithesis. A strange way to honor the most influential and important person in our lives.
First, I had a great revelation at the dishwasher. All of the years that we as parents dread emptying the dishwasher suddenly became an enormous void for me.
As I gazed upon the FULL dishwasher, thinking that I will not be emptying so many drinking glasses or dishes in the present or future, I was struck by the reality that I would soon be an “empty nester” ….I really, really despise that term. I DO have a dog and 2 cats after all…geez…
LIVE. live in the present. ENJOY. enjoy each and every moment. LOVE. love it all – even those moments that appear for all unimaginable reasons to be unloveable. EMBRACE. embrace the now…the people…the moments…it all….
and, that’s all…but again, it’s everything…as I MAY have mentioned before…take heed.
And so, you were freed from marital ‘bliss’ and now you’re free again and maybe again and again. Who knows for how long and how many more times you’ll endure this search for your next person. Or maybe you choose to give it a rest and just hang out with your cats and dogs. (You would be wise to do this when your friends stop responding to texts or calls and your therapist is not available…just saying)
But let’s go on to the other uphill trudge you might be facing. A new career. Or maybe you are just now exploring the workforce for the first time since your exodus from your previous life. Wow! and I mean wow. Besides the obvious surge in technological advances, which you might not be familiar with, the infusion of millennials in the office place has clearly altered the professional culture of business. They don’t like to talk to you face to face. They text, they email, they tweet, they snapchat. They don’t talk – on the phone. They understand everything technical and simply cannot comprehend your lack of knowledge in this area. They are fast. At everything. You’re thinking to yourself, “they think I’m really old…”
But, guess what you have that they don’t? History. History = Knowledge. A different kind of knowledge that actually includes interaction with other humans. I know! right? that’s amazing! Use it to your advantage. You are valuable for the knowledge you possess. You were actually alive during the era of Nixon and Carter and Reagan. They only read about it in their textbooks. You actually WERE there in the 80’s so that at themed parties your costume is legit. (the best era yet!) Bam! You’ve got this!
Whatever it is that you pursue, make it real, make it you, make it your life’s purpose. As you may have surmised from your exit of that ‘forever relationship thing’ you did before, NOTHING is forever. Nothing. My career has spanned almost 3 decades and despite it’s probability of survival, it has. And much to my surprise, my ex-husband and just about everyone who has journeyed this passion with me, it has survived the holocaust of emotions, financial sinkholes and physical uprooting of my life.
I know. I am a quintessential vocabularian. It’s my curse.
But I am currently hung up on this concept. Of a sene of deception. The sense of betrayal is prevalent and I smell its lack of loyalty in my midst. I am not comfortable with its presence. Although the unearthing of its truth is painful, I also relish in its exposure.